No kissing and telling in Coronaland

17 May 2020

Vusi Nzapheza

STRAIGHT & 2 BEERS


An act of affection has been relegated into a dangerous conduct

some researchers believe that kissing began millions of years ago as a result of mouth-to-mouth feeding, with mammal mothers chewing food and then “forcing it” into the mouths of their young.

I remember my first kiss like it was only yesterday. It happened decades ago at a boarding school when I was about 16 years and under the tutelage of an older girl.

We were returning from night studies when I accompanied her to the entrance of the female residence and we took a turn to lovers’ lane.

With my back rested against a tree trunk, she suddenly planted a smackeroo on my lips as my inexperienced hands fumbled for a place to hold on to.

Once I had my arms around her waist, she twisted her head slightly and started nibbling on my lower lip with hers. The confusion in my head was only mitigated by the kilowatts of electricity flowing down my spine into my loins.

By the time she opened my mouth and massaged my tonsils with her tongue, my underpants were dripping wet. When I came up gasping for air, my firm spear was prodding her thighs.

I never slept that night, wondering what the universe held in store for me the next day. If she’s reading this column today, I extend the gratitude of many women who benefited from her tutoring and guidance.

Kissing is an expression of affection, romance and desire. It has fascinated poets dead and alive over millennia, and cemented relationships in the four corners of the universe.

That was until a Coronavirus escaped from China and spread across the globe.

Over the past few months, we battled to maintain social distancing and avoided shaking hands. But the worst was still to come. As the nation waited in anticipation for President Cyril Ramaphosa to open the bars and let the beer flow this week, he came bearing the bad news. Kissing and hugging were things of the past, he said. My head spun that I even
forgot my pineapple brew.

The president did not provide further details whether he referred to a peck on your aunt’s cheeks or the prelude to a roll in the hay with your loved one in the bedroom.

Along with many other new normals the Coronavirus is corralling us into,
kissing has been relegated to dangerous conduct.

I can only imagine the shock on your grandmother’s face when you refuse to kiss her on your next visit.

I just hope that Trade and Industry Minister Ebrahim Patel is not assigned to draft regulations to prevent people from kissing.

Patel had already banned the sale of meat pies and regulated what winter clothing we cannot buy during the relaxed lockdown.

The last thing we need is the anti-kissing unit of the South African police and the army peeping through our bedroom windows and forcing us to frog jump for kissing our partners.

The lockdown is stressful enough as our bodies are stuck at home while our minds are on the other side of town.

How I hate you, Covid-19!

 

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