Full Circle: Fun-spoiling Covid gives safe sex a new meaning

Johannesburg – So, I wonder how people are coping with social distancing and masking to avoid getting infected with Covid- 19 during sex.

Are they even sanitising after or during sex?

I am wondering because I’ve been single since Moses and that burning bush and have no intention of letting anyone near me close enough to catch Covid-19 during sexual intercourse.

What does it all mean? Are we to avoid sex unless we have lovers or are married? Can we not have sexual relations or meet new people during this global pandemic?

Clearly penetration without a condom is out of the question and condoms are more crucial than ever.

Penetration ignores social distancing rules and kissing is not recommended because it passes on the virus, so what are we to do as we can’t even touch or stroke the hairy chest.

Is sex over for us single people? Is sex during this pandemic only condoned to faithful married couples?

What about the loose women and nymphomaniacs who have to have some to exist?

Is it blow-up dolls for them?

Wearing a condom is normal but what about kissing because it forms part of intimacy?

I love kissing but I’ve not kissed anyone since the seas were parted, so what are we to do as I miss it? I miss the slow dance of tongues to a rhythm that increases the need for more pleasure, resulting in clothes being stripped and the games beginning.

What about surfaces? Are they excluded too, or must one sanitise the kitchen table before and during sex to avoid catching the virus?

“But one must not forget about masturbating with your lover on video calls, one cannot forget about the sometimes-dreaded video calls,” says my friend who has been on her phone for exactly three minutes having sex with her new lover via video call.

She tells me it’s perfect as she fakes every orgasm and he still believes he is the man who satisfies her while he does not realise she is wondering what to cook for dinner.

“It’s not as if I can’t pretend and three minutes are all he needs,” she says while preparing for another round and filling up her dish washer.

Phone sex is nothing new and all you have to do is pretend you care while you multi-task, unless it’s a video call which is also no big deal as her new man is a three-minute man who is partially blind, so half the time she moans and groans while reading a book and he can’t tell the difference.

I’m shocked, shocked that there are still three-minute men as he could indulge in foreplay, making it last longer for both their pleasure. Does he even know that half the time she is not even there?

I will never deny myself passion of any kind, so I’ve decided not to fret as I have my dildos. I’m not in a relationship and have been relating with myself for months, so this should not be hard – excuse the pun.

It’s clear that my dildos are the only phallic mode of transportation for me. I can’t have sex and contract Covid-19 from some stranger when I have dildos for every day of the week, nor am I contracting it from a stranger. I am not missing out on sex because of some pandemic and definitely not having three-minute sex.

I am going to have my own harem of dildos, build them a shrine if I must, so I can pleasure myself at will as I will not catch Covid.

My portable lover who won’t cheat on me and will also be perfect in the long tedious Joburg traffic too.

So, should you see me grinning and driving, mind your business as I am enjoying my safe ride.

Kuli Roberts.

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