As the holiday season draws in and the countdown to Christmas begins, spare a thought for recently divorced parents. Especially parents who are still getting to grips with juggling co-parenting roles.
Feelings of betrayal
Alternating time spent with the children is one of the things the ex-spouses have to contend with. This season can be particularly stressful to spend without your kids, especially if you are the primary care parent.
Do you compromise and rearrange your holiday plan to suit them (after all,
their happiness comes first)? Or do you set boundaries and stick to the agreed plan?
To observe them counting the days and waiting to pack their bags and hit
the road can be distressing. Especially if, as a primary caregiver, you have spent
the entire time bearing the brunt of the chaotic side of parenting. Tons of homework, the flu/cold season, school morning/afternoon runs, parents’ meetings, extramural activities etc.
New dynamics come into play
Now they want to spend the fun and holiday period with the other parent. The reasons could be varied. Perhaps they view your ex’s home as a fun place with no strict rules or routine. Or it might be that they have more resources than you do, and are willing to entertain and buy them stuff.
It’s even more tormenting if your ex has moved on with a new partner. Watching
your children choose your ex and their partner over you – can wreak
havoc with your feelings.
Your logical self may understand that it’s good for the children to have a good relationship with their other parent and his/her new partner. But your heart may secretly want them to always choose you, especially during this special time of the year.
As the aggrieved parent, you can even guilt-trip the little ones and remind them how you’ve taken care of them throughout the year.
Take a breather
However, look on the bright side. This could be your time to take a breather, catch up with friends and family, and do what you enjoy doing. Use this period to focus on yourself without any disruption.
Also remember that the point is to foster harmonious relationships.
It is priceless if your children are welcome and feel at home in their other home. Imagine if something were to happen to you (if you died) and your children didn’t have a good relationship with the other parent?
Double-whammy for newly divorced Seipati
For *Seipati Sibeko from Sebokeng in the Vaal, Christmas time is a painful period. As a divorceé, she is still battling to navigate the Christmas season alone. Seipati was married for 15 years. Before the divorce, Christmas season was full of beautiful memories for the family, as her ex took them to lavish holiday destinations.
“For me, the pain is worse because my ex has failed to support our kids financially and otherwise. Then in December he will promise them special treats, only to disappoint them. He will still poison them and tell them if I did not divorce him, all this would not be happening. The kids will be so mad at me, blaming me for ruining their Christmas. Yet I’m innocent, breaking my back to raise them alone” she said.
Thuli’s repressed anger
“It’s always easier said than done,” retorted *Thuli, a recently divorced mother of two, a boy aged 11 and a 13-year-old girl. “Especially if there are unresolved feelings in the mix.”
Thuli has been divorced for almost a year, after a tumultuous 14-year marriage to a radio personality. Their relationship went south when she learnt that her husband was still seeing the young woman he sired a child with six years into their marriage.
“At first I thought I could just brush it off as a dalliance. But I realised that a side-chick with a child is no child’s play. Not a single day went by without bitter arguments. My home had become a battlefield and it was taking a toll on my children.”
“I initiated the divorce and was doing fine, concentrating on my career, studies and
children. I was in full control of our new situation. Then came December and my children
decided to drop a bombshell on me: ‘mommy when the schools close, we want to go to daddy, Wandi and aunty Phiwe, we want to spend Christmas with them,” they said, happily.
“My heart sank, I buried my head in my hands. It was at that moment that it dawned on me that I have not healed. I have not dealt with a lot of emotions,” Thuli recounted.
“For the first time in almost a year, I considered psychotherapy. I have repressed anger, resentment and jealousy towards my ex and his new family. How could I not when they have deprived me and my children of a happy family?” she asked.
“I also still need to deal with the shame and guilt of succumbing to my loneliness and having a fling with a well-known music producer; and the anxiety of his wife finding out. Most of all, I have to overcome the fear of losing my children’s affection to my ex and his new family,” she said.
All is not lost
All is not lost. Remember, you are not in competition with the other parent; your
children will always be your children. And, with age and maturity, they might be able to
figure out which parent did the bulk of the job raising them.
One day they will appreciate not only your hard work but also your open-mindedness.
In the end, let the children exercise some free will and decide who they want to spend the
holidays with. This could be your best Christmas gift to them.
*Not their real names.
