By Masingita Masunga
Here I was on a date when my date looked me in the eye and said: “I have never been with a woman with a disability, and I don’t know how to treat you. Please teach me to treat you the way you deserve to be treated.”
I bet you would like to know my response and what happened to us. Askies, I am not going to share my response. That is not the subject of this article.
I appreciate those honest questions and generally welcome the sometimes-uncomfortable conversation, especially when they are about how people should interact with me. Do I get upset, hurt, disappointed, offended and cry sometimes? Yes.
Emotions are what makes us human. It is dehumanising when people think they have a right to micromanage my feelings and infantilise me. This is often coupled with them insulting my intelligence by making it look like they are doing me a favour. This kind of attitude is a betrayal to my full sense of humanity.
Except for the typical conflict, which is bound to happen because the other gender is from a different planet, as a heterosexual black woman with a disability. I am yet to experience gender-based violence (GBV) in an intimate relationship.
I am mostly at the receiving end of the brutality of micro-aggression and it comes in many forms and shapes from women.
This includes leaders and those who are in decision-making positions.
I own, produce, and host a leadership TV show, Vantage Point. In the first season, which was on national TV, out of the 13 episodes, I featured women leaders interviewed in four episodes. The women leadership approached didn’t honour my invitation. I believe some don’t think I am good enough or believe I qualify to interview someone at their level. They expressed this in an indirect manner. It’s subtle and masquerades as consideration.
As this oppression comes in disguise, it makes it easy for those who claim to be gender activists and fighting GBV to get away with violence.
Two experiences stand out.
A cabinet minister gave me this smug little laugh when I asked to interview her, getting rid of me by giving me her e-mail address to send the request. I did not get a response to my e-mail, and she didn’t take my calls when I followed up.
Another high-profile woman leader from a different sector gave me a lecture about the process I should have followed instead of calling her directly. She then gave me the “relevant” person to contact, which I did. I did not get any response.
I can write a few best-selling big volume books about the disrespect and demeaning interaction I encountered from personal assistants (I mention this because most of them are women), which affects access to leaders and delivery of service in the case of government.
Validation of our self-worth comes from within. If we expect others to respect our human rights, we must respect others’ human rights. If we expect to be treated as equals by others, let’s treat others as equals.
Go to the Commission for Conciliation, Mediation and Arbitration and see the many cases of women who are oppressed by other women. Visit psychiatric wards and doctors’ consultation rooms. They are filled with women who are depressed because of how other women treat them.
Who can forget the story of the 15-year-old Lufuno Mavhunga, who ended her life because of being bullied by other young women. Some of her last words were: “My soul is not resting in peace. I was sent to an early grave by those that believed that they are better than me. May my tears not be in vain.”
I resonate with Lufuno’s reference to dealing with people who think they are better than you. It is a regular occurrence in my life. As we commemorate Women’s Day and month, we need to self-introspect about our own unconscious biases.
We can’t stop bleeding from one wound by opening another. We cannot continue seeking transformation that is exclusive and self-serving while disguising violence. If we want to achieve gender equality and honour the women of 1956, who marched in unison, we need to echo the words of Audre Lorde: “I am not free while any woman is unfree, even when her shackles are very different from my own.”
• Masunga is an award-winning media personality, speaker and founder of abOVEnormal holistic fitness, wellness and sportswear brand
