Straight and two beers: Snake oil to rise to the occasion

I emerged from the supermarket with a packet of sweet potato and beetroot crisps and sundried tomatoes and walked briskly to where I was parked. The crisps are rather tasteless but very healthy and my favoured snack when I Netflix the night away.

I may not be a health freak but I feel the need to compensate my body for my hard drinking. I mean, beer gives the body absolutely no nutrients.

I remember strongly warning one of my side chicks to stop plying her four-year-old daughter with the salty mashwashwam (cheese puffs). But “she cries for them”, was her feeble excuse. Anyway, as I approached the car an elderly lady sauntered towards me and I paused. I mistook her for a car guard until she opened her palm and showed me a packet of four blue pills.

“Hi handsome, I’ve got something that’ll delight the love of your life,” she said.

I was flattered at being called handsome but was gobsmacked that the oulady was selling me viagra. She was not old enough to be my mother but I could pass to be her Ben 10.

I recovered my poise and assured her in my rudimentary Xhosa that “iimela zam zisebukhali (my knives were still sharp)”.

She was having none of it. “Any man needs a boost from time to time kaloku,” she tried to persuade me.

Hell no mama, I protested. Only last week I received a standing ovation following a spirited coital performance.

“You’re lying, handsome, take these and you’ll thank me later,” she said.

It was at that moment I switched to detective mode and inquired where she procured the pills. I remembered that viagra is one of the most counter-
feited pills around the world. The blue pill has been a moneymaker for its maker Pfizer, long before the Covid-19 vaccines shored up their profits.

Oulady would not reveal her supplier.

Fake viagra, or any pill for that matter, can lead to complications, which is the reason it’s recommended you get it from your physician.

Erectile dysfunction afflicts millions of men, which is the reason dodgy performance enhancers make a killing. One of my friends confided he once bought mpesu online and utterly failed to get it up.

I was sorry to disappoint the lady who called me handsome, so I tried to make amends and bought her mangoes. Her parting shot as I got into the vehicle: “Handsome, you know where to find me when your knives go blunt.”

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