Following the same routine leads to a sexual malaise
While the passion burns bright for many couples year in and year out, there are those unions where couples stay married despite there being zero sex.
Sex experts explain that when people first meet, they can’t keep their hands o each other and find every opportunity to have sex.
Quickies are a highlight – especially when the idea of being caught is evident. The Sex Ed for Grown-Ups series states the same routine leads to sexual malaise.
Dr Marlene Wasserman, aka Dr Eve, who gave a talk at the fourth Rooftop Revelations at Home at Suite Hotel Bristol, Rosebank, on Tuesday, says the absence of sex is common across all ages and stages of a relationship.
She explains that a sexless marriage is defined as a couple having sex less than 10 times in a year.
“The reasons range from illness to medications that inhibit desire, sexual dysfunctions such as erectile dysfunction, and women losing desire as they are pre-orgasmic. Frequently,
as there is a desire discrepancy, one partner desires sex more frequently than the other. So anger and frustration create disconnection, which makes less sex happen,” says the love doctor.
She also says children in a relationship are a major inhibitor as is the aftermath of infidelity.
“But over and above all of this, if the relationship is safe and secure, without abuse, and even happy, more sex will happen.” Sexologist Elvis Munatswa says when couples tie the knot,
they should realise that love and “good sex” may be important but that’s not sufficient to keep the flame burning.
“Compatibility, willingness to share, romance, finances, careers, children, family and a whole lot of other things are necessary pressure points to consider before marriage. One thing
that stands out is the ability to communicate,” says Munatswa.
Human sexuality is also always evolving, so trying new things can be enlightening. But what about partners who demand sex every day? Nadine, a stay-at-home businesswoman,
says she got married when she was only 19. But her husband of more than 30 years has been demanding sex from day one of their marriage.
“I already know the routine. After supper and seeing to the kids, I take a bath. When he comes to bed he gets on top and after a few minutes it’s done. I do not enjoy it most times. It’s
become routine and boring. To make it exciting again, I suggested oral sex but being a religious man, he said it was not godly.”
Dr Eve says sex every day is only healthy when there is respect, consent, nonexploitation, mutual pleasure and safety from unwanted pregnancies and HIV/STIs .
“Once this is in place each couple has to negotiate the frequency without judging or shaming the other partner.”
Can sex toys and masturbation save a sexless relationship?
Dr Eve says sex toys can be seen as a threat or an add on, which entice couples to want more sex together. “Using a sex toy takes the edge off and provides orgasms. If a couple is exploring sex toys together, then that can keep it interested in sex.
If there is a sexless marriage or relationship, then sex toys can keep someone sexually satisfied – to a point – and thus they may stay together longer. But sex toys are not a panacea for a heartless, sexless relationship,” she says.
A female accountant, who prefers not be named, says in her 15 years of marriage, she would always initiate sex.
“But we would only have when he was in the mood. And that was hardly ever. This led me to having an extra-marital aair. My side [piece] was also married. He introduced me to sex toys,” says the mother of two.
She says she recently bought a Tracy’s Dog clit-sucking vibrator.
“The marketing behind it says it gives out-of-this world orgasms. And it does. So, when my side [piece] wasn’t available, I’d use it on my own. Until my hubby found it. I had to
explain. He was intrigued and it sort of brought life back to my marriage.”
Dr Eve explains medically masturbation is healthy, even necessary, to keep blood flowing through the penis regularly and to release sperm.
For women masturbation can guarantee orgasms, which may not happen with a partner.
She says couples disapprove of masturbation (mostly women) and blame the porn, when actually they just want their partners to only have sex with and desire them.
Her advice is for couples to agree that each one has the right to enjoy masturbation … not instead of but in addition to partner sex.
By Somaya Stockenstroom
When sex is not always the food of love
