By Kuli Roberts
Johannesburg – All I want for Xmas is spontaneity.
And I’m done confining sex to the bedroom.
Darlings, let’s leave the hard work when it comes to romance to those who still have the energy and time to do it.
Oh, the labour of setting the mood is, ahem, childish.
Petals and champagne are so not-for-me. Don’t get me started on cleaning up a house that is in a flutter with rose petals, candle wax and a mountain of dishes.
I’m not about to pick up dead flowers after a night of passion – if I can even master the courtesy to endure the work that some consider as foreplay.
All I need is hubby’s eye contact, I will follow him to a cave if he wants some.
I don’t like it when he gives me a lecture before sex. Please make me feel like giving myself to you instead of whinning about the fact that it’s been days since we made love and you have needs.
Why do men nag so much? I don’t want my man asking me for sex; when he is in the mood all he needs do is look at me with those sexy eyes that say “I want you”.
I’m always in the mood for klof-klof.
I also want peace this Xmas. Honey, please do not come home smelling of cheap perfume.
If you must, I mean if you absolutely cannot help yourself but fondle and grope another woman, or have a nyatsi, at least consider our standard of living and standing in society.
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Please choose a woman that knows quality. There’s nothing that I hate more than the smell of cheap perfume.
Nyatsis deserve the best too, you know.
Gifting your nyatsi with cheap perfume is a reflection on the entire family, and we are not a family of cheapskates.
So, babe, maintain the standard and do better by your side chick.
Your smell will be mistaken for mine, which would be an insult to Prada.
Think of what others would think of me when they bump into you smelling like cheap perfume. I also want to try different spots to have sex this Xmas.
Baby, let’s not rush to the bedroom in the middle of the day because you want the honey pot.
There are so many rooms in the house; why don’t we try them all.
The laundry room is another compact room far enough from the rest of the house for me to call out your name.
The kitchen top is also a good spot, especially because everything you put in your mouth is prepared there.
The broom closet gave Boris Becker a son; imagine what it can do for us.
It is definitely top of my list. It’s dark and tiny, perfect for awkward positions.
Of course, swinging on a chandelier is mandatory, so I will swing while you call my name.
Finally, all I want for Xmas is to use my kids’ rooms for sex.
I told hubby that our bedroom does not excite me anymore and we have more options with the kids away.
He felt dirty as if the kids would catch us. But our kids live abroad, so what’s the problem?
I just have to convince my husband that the photos don’t watch us while we kiss.
Imagine us kissing in the pink room.
You would be my Ken and I your Barbie.
I need to remind my husband that we wept for those ungrateful children who grew teeth and left home.
We begged them to stay, but they left the nest to get on with their lives. So why shouldn’t we use their space for spontaneous lovemaking.
I remember the day they left as I could not stop weeping.
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I wept and he was silent. I recalled their first baby steps and he was biting his nails.
I showed him a lock of their baby hair and he was gardening outside.
He did not care that we would have an empty nest and muttered something about it being part of life and inevitable.
“You can’t force young adults to live with you when they have goals,” he told me while I plotted ways to keep my 26-year-old from finding her own place.
But this Xmas is all about me and my baby.
I want the most amazing love from my man and the kids better not visit; we are sending them a card. There isn’t enough room for all grown-ups.
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